Boys The first stage is boys. From the moment of conception our gender is defined (not addressing those abnormalities in development: hermaphrodites, babies whose sex has, in utero, changed, etc.) and, at birth, we begin our out-of-the-womb life as boy or girl. During these beginning years of life, boys are hard at work with play and making connections in their minds based on their unique character and those outside factors that play into their development. Boys test their boundaries, begin to learn the relationship between actions and consequences, and find themselves amidst social constructions (like the family, school, church, sports teams, etc.) where they are trying to find their place.
Contrary to some modes of belief, they are not little grownups capable of thoughts and decisions we take for granted. Boys have much learning to do but are oftentimes much wiser than we, as adults, give them credit for. It is now common knowledge that we are given to a natural means of behavior, but that this 'way' is also guided by the nurture of parents and others in the boy's world. Parents and other adults ignore the importance of their influence over young boys to the detriment of those boys if they are not careful, and would do well to teach themselves how to best guide young boys. Those who are boys are such until the age of puberty, when the male body has grown and developed to the stage of bodily manhood.
Guys Boys, from this point forward, are able to complete the functions of any other man. They can work, think in many ways on the same level if not greater than their 'adult' counterparts (according to recent scientific studies, well documented in the book Teen 2.0 by Robert Epstein, Ph.D.), and even start families of their own, biologically. This second stage of being a male, I consider, is that of the 'Guy.' The guy is fully capable of being a man - and, in many areas of the contemporary world right now, would be - but lacks the maturity to fully transition into manhood and the responsibilities of God-ordained masculinity.
In this sense, I do see this stage as the transition stage between boys and men but am not sure whether or not it is avoidable. I also cannot separate examples from the defining characteristics of this stage, and so share them here. Guys want the freedom to come and go as they please, but are hesitant to pay their own way for that coming and going. They want the freedom to make their own choices and avoid having rules placed on them, but they are greatly bothered by the natural consequences of those choices and disobeying rules. They have broadened their perspectives from the self-centered thinking of childhood to incorporate others into their world but still live largely as though the world revolves around them. They love to satisfy their sexual urges but are generally unconcerned about the consequences to themselves or others: babies will not tie them down, STDs will not lessen their partners, and the truth will not stop them from telling their 'partner for the time' what they want to hear. They consider anything or anyone that upsets their personal sense of normalcy an annoyance. They are usually blind to their own issues but quick to notice the issues of others. They are easily angered, resistant to any form of correction or rebuke, can be manipulative, selfish, arrogant, and can be quite childish.
It is possible for males to stay in the stage the whole of their lives - spanning from puberty until their death - and though they can generally fool some for a while they will inevitably be found out. The older they get the more clear their presence in this stage becomes to others, if not themselves. Males who refuse to move on to true manhood are full-loving people, to be sure, but their inner lives are miserable and they love company. They are comfortable in packs of other guys and usually spend their 'quality time' trying to one-up, or degrade, each other. This is typical alpha-male behavior, the vying for position and status, because these guys find their worth in how others see them. If they are not on top, or at least clawing past others, their sense of worth is compromised and diminished. Now, though some of this behavior may be considered crucial to building skills for the future or developing personality characteristics that will serve the greater good in the long run, I believe that prolonged location at this stage is actually harmful to the male and their relationships. In a sense, the stereotypical guy is not someone who occasionally exhibits these characteristics, but one who has unconsciously or willful refused to grow as a person.
Men Men are determined by a willful, determined move from being a guy to embracing all that God desires for males. A huge part of becoming a real man is recognizing that there is something beyond himself. Whether this is taking your own mortality seriously, burying your pride for the sake of others, or recognizing the reality of God, the real man will shift his worldview from self-centered to others- and world-centered thinking. This is a life-long process - which the man knows - but the stage is identified not by the outcome, or end result, of his attempts but by the process of his attempts. As such, it is possible for the male to find manhood too difficult and regress into being a guy. Being a guy is easier, as it's a running from personal responsibility when you're actually aware of those responsibilities. Being a man - fighting back selfishness, manipulation, arrogance, and childishness when you notice them, and being open to learning, correction, and rebuke - is difficult but the benefits are worth it.
Another way to see this stage is as an observer - if you see a male that is struggling with aspects of his life, working hard to overcome an obstacle or grow as an individual - you can be assured that this person has decided that being a guy does not work for him. He wants to be a man and so he is, as he works diligently to be seen as a man by those closest to him. As a Christian I believe that the fullest understanding of what it means to be a man comes from one's personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Though we may experience different, and quite deep, aspects of masculinity through (what might be termed) secular means of learning, the life of strength and leadership and sacrifice and redemption and restoration and humility and grace and glory is most completely exhibited by Jesus. Not only this (as example), but through Jesus we can finally come to grips with our own failings and inability to live up to God's standards without abandoning the pursuit. This helps us break out of society's 'self-made man,' 'lone ranger,' Guy mentality and admit our need. A man is willing to ask for help and forgiveness, open to being changed, unafraid of showing emotion, and learning as he leads.
I could continue to draw out the intricacies on this topic for days but it wouldn't be profitable. I readily admit that this understanding is mine. Though science that supports my view is available to all, my views have been largely shaped by the men and guys I have had personal relationship with. I have been changed by both and, as a youth minister, I have found myself repeatedly changed by the amazing boys it is my pleasure to work with. I cannot think of one that is not in the process of being groomed to be the man God designed him to be. And in each case, the single greatest marker of their progress is the time they spend with men who are willing to invest time in their lives. They are worth the effort, and I believe they will amaze us all and far exceed our expectation... if we only expect it of them. We men must be about the business of building up men for the coming generations.
For a strong shot in that direction, I encourage you all to go to the theater and see the new movie, Courageous. Who among us will be willing to stand up, be a man, and say, "I will"?
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